Tell me if this rings familiar for you:

You check your phone every 12 minutes. Your shoulders sit hunched at your ears. You lie awake at 3 AM rehearsing tomorrow's to-do list.

This isn't urgency. This is panic.

I know, because this is me, on some days. But I also know that anxiety likes to yell when a simple, consistent reminder would be enough. Biology sacrifices efficiency for effectiveness, right?

Real urgency moves fast without the frantic energy. It's the surgeon's steady hands during a 6-hour operation. The firefighter's calm voice while coordinating a rescue. The chess grandmaster's quick decisions under tournament pressure.

They work with intensity, not anxiety. Speed, not stress.

Here's how we do the same.

Separate the doing from the outcome

Stress comes from attachment to results you can't control.

You can't control if your client says yes. You can't control if your book becomes a bestseller. You can't control if your startup gets funded.

But you can control your daily actions.

The solution is outcome independence. You focus 100% on the process and 0% on the result. This isn't positive thinking, it's strategic thinking.

Here's your daily practice: Every morning, write down three actions you'll complete today. Not goals. Not outcomes. Actions. "Send five cold emails" instead of "land a new client." "Write 500 words" instead of "finish the chapter."

At the end of each day, check off what you completed. Nothing else matters. Did you do the work? Yes or no.

This shifts your nervous system from result-anxiety to process-confidence. You feel productive because you are productive, regardless of external outcomes.

Work in 90-minute sprints

My brain can't maintain peak focus for 8 hours. Trying to do so creates the exhaustion that feels like stress. This makes working on anything outside of 9-to-5 work hours impossible.

Instead, work in 90-minute focused sprints followed by 20-minute breaks. This matches our natural ultradian rhythms: the biological cycles that regulate your energy throughout the day. (As opposed to the circadian ones, which manage sleep-wake rhythm.)

Here's your sprint protocol: Set a timer for 90 minutes. Turn off all notifications. Work on one task only. When the timer rings, take a 20-minute break. Walk outside, stretch, or grab a glass of water. Don't check email or social media during breaks.

Most people can handle three of these sprints per day. That's 4.5 hours of deep work, which is more than most people accomplish in a full 8-hour day.

The key is intensity during work blocks and complete detachment during breaks. No guilt about resting. No working during breaks. The rhythm creates momentum without burnout.

Use a 2-minute stress check

Stress accumulates like sediment in a riverbed. Small tensions pile up until they create a dam that blocks your flow. Again, this makes doing anything not required during our day jobs totally impossible.

Every 2 hours, pause and scan your body. Are your shoulders tight? Is your jaw clenched? Are you holding your breath?

These physical tension points are stress indicators. They signal that you're working from anxiety instead of urgency.

How to reset: Take three deep breaths that expand your belly, not your chest. Roll your shoulders back and down. Unclench your jaw. Relax your tongue against the floor of your mouth.

This isn't meditation. It's maintenance. Like checking your car's oil every few hundred miles.

Set a phone alarm for every 2 hours. When it goes off, do the body scan and reset. This prevents stress from accumulating and keeps you in the urgent-but-calm zone.

Create your "Good Enough" standard

Perfectionism disguises itself as high standards. Or things you need to learn first, or experience you need to have first.

Really, it's procrastination with a sophisticated vocabulary.

When you demand perfection, you create analysis paralysis. You spend 3 hours polishing a paragraph. You redesign your website for the fourth time. You research for 6 months before starting.

This isn't quality work. It's fear work.

Instead, define "good enough" before you start. What's the minimum viable version that serves its purpose?

For a presentation, good enough might be: clear slides, logical flow, practiced once. For a business proposal, good enough might be: problem identified, solution outlined, pricing included.

Write your "good enough" criteria at the top of your task list. When you hit those criteria, you're done. Ship it. Move on.

You can always improve version 2.0, but you can't improve something that doesn't exist.

Schedule your worry sessions

Anxiety wants to interrupt your work every 15 minutes. It taps you on the shoulder with "what if" scenarios and worst-case planning.

Instead of fighting these thoughts, schedule them.

Set aside 15 minutes each day for dedicated worry time. Write down every concern, fear, and potential problem. Get them out of your head and onto paper.

After 15 minutes, close the notebook. If anxiety interrupts your work later, tell it: "I'll address this during tomorrow's worry session."

This isn't suppression. It's compartmentalization. You're not ignoring your concerns—you're processing them efficiently instead of letting them leak into your productive hours.

Most worries seem less threatening when you examine them in scheduled sessions rather than letting them ambush your workflow.

Build your recovery rituals

Elite athletes don't just train hard. They recover hard.

Your recovery rituals are as important as your work rituals. They signal to your nervous system that it's safe to downshift from urgency to rest.

Create three recovery rituals: one for transitions between work blocks, one for the end of your workday, and one for the end of your week.

For work block transitions, try this: stand up, stretch your arms overhead, take five deep breaths, and say "that block is complete."

For end of workday, try this: review what you accomplished, write tomorrow's three priority actions, and physically close your laptop.

For end of week, try this: review the week's wins, plan next week's priorities, and do something completely unrelated to work for 2 hours.

These rituals create clear boundaries between work intensity and life recovery. Without boundaries, urgency becomes chronic stress.

Call it the calm sprinter's advantage

Urgency without anxiety is your competitive advantage.

While others burn out from constant stress, you maintain sustainable intensity. While they exhaust themselves with worry, you channel that energy into action.

The result? You move faster, think clearer, and last longer than the frantic crowd.

This isn't about working less. It's about working better. It's about finding the sweet spot between lazy and frantic—the zone where you're fully engaged but not overwhelmed.

Start with one technique from this article. Master it for a week. Then add another. (Be sure to record your progress!)

Your goals are important. Your sanity is more important.

We can have both. Let’s get it!

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Dad: “What? How? Congrats!”

Me: “Amazon KDP. Also it was a blank journal.”

Dad: “Oh. Great…!” Yeah, it’s not that big a deal…

But it IS my first digital product. And I can’t stress enough what it has done for my energy, to be able to say “I’ve created something.”

Nevermind that I’m only getting about $2.50 each for any of them that sell (if they sell). Truth is, I don’t know anyone else in my family who can say they’ve created a digital product.

The night I hit Publish, I dreamed of going through some family heirlooms that I’d inherited, and was deciding what to keep and what to toss. It seems my programming, the unspoken cues in my upbringing, are all being called into question.

Something in my head has shifted. Subtly, magically.

All I think about now is 2 things. 1 - everybody asking how I did it. 2 - all I want to do now, is create more things.

You don’t need more stuff. You need a shift.

Most people like me are stuck in the role of the consumer: scrolling, buying, watching, reacting. They think their life will change when they get the right product, the right course, the right gadget.

It won’t.

This kind of living keeps us broke, tired, and dependent. Not just financially: mentally and emotionally too.

It seems to me: the people who rise, are the ones who create.

They’re not better than us. They’re just doing something different with the same 24 hours.

Here are some of the changes I’ve made that have helped.

Step 1: Quit feeding the beast

Consumption isn’t the problem. Overconsumption is.

If your day starts and ends with phone time, if you're always “just checking” TikTok, Instagram, Amazon, STAAAAAHP. You’re training your brain to wait for ideas instead of make them.

Here’s what to do:

• Turn off all notifications.

• Move your most-used apps off your home screen.

• Set screen limits. Actually obey them.

• Replace “scroll time” with “sketch time,” “journal time,” or “sit-and-stare-at-the-wall-until-an-idea-hits” time.

Example: Instead of watching a YouTube video on productivity, open a Google Doc and write five sentences about what you want to build this year. Doesn’t matter how messy. Just write.

Consume less. Create more.

Step 2: Build a daily output habit

I’m up at 6 AM daily now, because before I start work I’m actually buzzing with ideas of things I’d like to do that day. (It’s when I start work, that I slowly lose the will to live.)

The fastest way to stop feeling stuck is to make something every day. Not “something big.” Just something. Anything.

A paragraph. A sketch. A voice memo idea. A blog draft. A recipe. A dance routine. An outline for a workshop you might lead someday.

Start tiny, but do it daily.

Here’s a dead-simple routine:

1. Set a 30-minute timer (you turned your notifications off, right?).

2. Open a blank page.

3. Make something, even if it sucks.

That’s it. No expectations. No editing. No sharing yet. Just make.

Over time, those 30-minute bursts stack up. What feels small today becomes your creative foundation later.

Step 3: Don’t wait for “your thing”. Experiment! Play!

When I got into the book creator tool, all my favorite hobbies fell to the floor next to me. There were so many other things I could create, even if I didn’t know how to do it yet.

Waiting to “find our passion” is a trap. Creators don’t find our thing and then start creating. We start creating and then notice what clicks.

Here’s how to start exploring:

• Write 5 headlines for a post you could write.

• Try drawing your dream day, badly.

• Make a list of what you’ve taught others (this is a goldmine).

• Record yourself talking through a problem you solved last year.

Look for energy: Where do you feel alive? Curious? Where do you lose track of time?

That’s your compass.

Step 4: Turn consumption into input

Consuming content isn’t bad. It’s just usually passive.

Instead, flip the script. Make consumption fuel your creativity.

Here’s how:

• Read books with a pen in hand. Underline. Annotate.

• Watch a TED talk? Pause every 2 minutes and jot notes or reactions.

• Listen to a podcast? Pull one idea and turn it into a tweet, a sketch, or a quote graphic.

This changes your relationship with content. You stop being a passive sponge and become an active thinking filter.

Example: After reading a book chapter, write down one thing you disagree with. Turn that hot take into a social post or email.

Creation starts with response.

Step 5: Embrace “good enough to ship”

One of my nearest and dearest likes to tell me: “Don’t let the perfect stand in the way of the good.”

Most people wait too long to share.

They tweak. They polish. They second-guess. Then they delete it anyway.

Creators share early and often. They know done is better than perfect.

To get over the fear of being seen:

• Post a rough draft.

• Publish an “unfinished” idea and ask for feedback.

• Share a behind-the-scenes shot of something mid-process.

You’ll feel exposed at first. Vulnerable. Maybe even a little ridiculous. Good!

Step 6: Create a repeatable container

This newsletter, is an excellent container. A daily art journal, perhaps.

A “container” is a system that helps you show up. It reduces decision fatigue and makes creativity automatic.

Example: A weekly newsletter. A monthly workshop. A daily 90-second video.

Here’s how to build yours:

1. Pick a format you enjoy (writing, speaking, drawing, etc.)

2. Choose a realistic frequency.

3. Stick to it for 30 days.

Don't overthink the topic. Think about your past self: what do you wish someone had told you? Start there.

Over time, this container becomes your creative engine. It’s not about going viral. It’s about building muscle.

Step 7: Build in public (even if it’s ugly)

Sharing what you’re working on is terrifying at first. Do it anyway.

Post your drafts. Talk about what you’re learning. Share screenshots of your Notion board. Invite feedback.

Don’t wait until it’s “ready.” It never is.

Here’s why building in public works:

• You get feedback fast. (“I bought this, then gave it away. Better luck next time.”)

• You attract people who care about your topic.

• You build confidence in real time.

You also get used to showing up—even when it’s messy.

Step 8: Stop looking for permission

No one’s coming to tell us we’re ready. But if you need someone to do it, I’ll do it:

You are the publisher now. The platform. The gatekeeper. The green light.

Want to make a podcast? Record one on your phone today.
Want to write a blog? Open Substack and start typing.
Want to launch a product? Try creating a tracker journal, or a whole a** app (if you’re technically inclined).

If it feels scary, that’s a good sign. Fear is just the residue of unused talent.

We’re not too late: we’re just getting started!

Now let’s go make something.

***Leave a comment and let me know what YOU’RE working on!***

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I’ve always been good at imagining things.

Not just idle daydreams. Full-color, high-definition visions of my future life.
Freedom. Space. Time. Creativity. Ease.

I feel the sand between my toes, the sea breezes. Feel the ease between my shoulders, in my breath.
A life where I make money on my terms, wake up without an alarm, and feel excited instead of resentful about what the day holds.

It’s not just a dream. It’s an entire world I’ve built in my head.
And that world is vivid, addictive, intoxicating.
It’s also a huge problem.

Because the more I visit it, the more painful it is to come back to this one.

The fantasy has stopped soothing me

Here’s the truth: I’m not new to self-help.
I’ve visualized. I’ve journaled. I’ve recited affirmations with candles lit and crystals charged.

I know what it feels like to connect with a vision so deeply it makes my chest ache.
But lately, that ache has started to feel less like motivation, and more like a slow burn of dissatisfaction.

The fantasy that once kept me inspired now feels like emotional quicksand.
Because I come back from it and realize…
I’m still sitting at the same desk.
Still in the same job.
Still answering emails I don’t care about, still staring at bills I want to destroy, still tolerating routines I’ve long since outgrown.

And here’s the kicker: the same woman who built this current life is the one doing all the dreaming.
But she’s not the one who’s going to get me out of it.

That realization hurt like hell.
But it also lit a fuse.

The daydream isn’t the problem. The lack of action is.

Let me be clear: I don’t hate my dreams.
I think they’re sacred.
That world I imagine? It’s a message. A signal. A map.

But I’ve been using it like a security blanket.
A way to dissociate from discomfort instead of move through it.

Fantasy is easy.
Action is not.

Because action means confronting the systems I’ve built around myself.
It means acknowledging the parts of me that are still scared, still small, still stuck in old stories.

But here’s what I’m finally ready to say:

I’m done being the version of me that keeps the dream alive without ever trying to live it.

The woman I dream of being is real…but she’s not me yet

This is the identity break no one wants to talk about.

When I picture the version of me living the life I want, she doesn’t look like me.
Not in the way she moves through the world.
Not in the way she manages her time, her energy, her money, her choices.

She’s freer.
Bolder.
More direct.
More willing to disappoint people.
Less willing to tolerate bullshit.

She’s not magical.
She’s just different.
She’s who I become when I stop defaulting to old behaviors.

And that means I can’t just manifest her.
I have to build her.

How I’m doing it: Building the bridge from fantasy to reality

Here’s how I’m starting: right now, while I’m still inside the old life, still paying the bills, still finding my way out:

1. I defined her

Not vaguely. Not poetically.
I wrote down exactly what my future self does every day.
How she thinks. What she prioritizes. What she stops apologizing for.
Now, I keep that list where I can see it.

2. I identified the conflict

There’s a gap between her and me.
I made a list of behaviors I still do that she would never tolerate.
Self-abandoning. Procrastinating. Waiting for permission. Overexplaining.
I didn’t shame myself, I just got clear and honest.

3. I pick one trait per week

Just one. That’s it.
This week? She’s consistent. So I’m practicing that.
Next week, maybe she’s brave. Or boundaried. Or focused.
Tiny habits. Daily choices. Steps in the direction of Her.

4. I rewrite the story

I started catching the voice in my head that says, “You’ve always been like this.”
And I started responding: “Okay, but I’m not staying like this.”
Belief shifts follow behavior. So I do the new thing, even when I feel like a fraud.

5. I take daily “jumps”

Each day, I ask: What would future me do today that I’ve been avoiding?
Then I do that one thing.
Create the product. Ask the question. Block the time. Make the plan.

Every jump counts.
Every action becomes a receipt.

I’m not fully her yet, but I’m not the old me either

I still dissociate sometimes.
I still fall back into fantasy.
But now I treat those moments as information.

If I’m desperate to escape my life, it means something’s off.
It’s data, a sign - not a sentence.

The gap between the life I dream of and the life I’m living isn’t fixed.
It’s fluid.

And every single action I take in her direction shortens the distance.

The frustration is sacred

I used to think I had to fix my mindset before I could act.
Now I know: action changes mindset. Not the other way around.

The frustration I feel when I land back in my old life isn’t a flaw.
It’s the fuel.
It’s proof that I’m outgrowing something.
It’s a demand for change.

So I’m not pushing it down anymore.
I’m using it.
I’m letting it shape my next move.
And the next.
And the next.

Because the dream was never the point.
Becoming the version of me who can live it: that’s the game.

And I’m playing to win. 🔥

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If you’re in midlife and feeling the urge to shake things up, good.

That’s not a crisis. That’s your soul cracking its knuckles.

Midlife isn’t a dead end—it’s a green light. You’ve got receipts. You’ve got battle scars. You’ve got instincts that weren’t there in your twenties.

And now? You’ve also got choice.

The kids may be grown. The job may be stale. The identity you spent years building might not fit anymore.

But the second you realize you can change—on purpose, for pleasure, with power—everything opens up.

Let’s talk about how to reinvent, be bold, and learn like your next chapter depends on it. Because it does.

This is our prime, let’s f*cking own it!

You’re not too old. You’re just too seasoned to tolerate your own bullsh*t anymore.

You know what you don’t want.
You’ve lived through the shoulds, the expectations, the external validation chase.
You’re done making yourself small.

And now you get to ask:
-What do I actually want to learn?
-Who do I want to become next?
-What kind of life do I want to build, starting now?

Here’s the secret most people miss:

Learning is how we stay alive.
Not just breathing, but alive. Engaged. Curious. Lit up.

When we stop learning, we stagnate.
When we start learning again, we rejuvenate.

So, don’t just “reinvent.”
Rewire. Reignite. Redesign.

Midlife is the best time to do it.
You have wisdom. You have perspective. And if you’re lucky? You also have a little rage that you wasted time on things that didn’t matter.

Use that. It’s rocket fuel.

7 bold truths to kickstart your reinvention

1. Don’t look for purpose: build it
Stop overthinking your “one true calling.” Start taking small steps toward what excites you.
Action brings clarity. Clarity builds momentum. Momentum = magic.

2. Embrace the awkwardness of being a beginner
You will suck at first.
You will doubt yourself.
You will survive.

Your ego doesn’t like being new. But your soul? It’s thrilled.

3. Learn from people older and younger than you
The 25-year-olds will remind you to be bold.
The 75-year-olds will remind you that it’s never too late.
Midlife means you get the best of both worlds, if you just listen.

4. One focus at a time, three months at a time
You don’t need a five-year plan.
You need a 90-day obsession.
Learn a new skill. Test a new habit. Try one bold experiment. Then switch it up.

5. Audit your environment
Midlife reinvention needs space.
Clear out:

• Deadweight friendships

• Draining obligations

• Digital noise and distraction (hint: shut off your notifications for just an hour, and see what happens)

• Clutter (physical + emotional)

Make room for the life you’re building.

6. Celebrate micro-wins like they’re major
Your first day back at the gym? Celebration.
Your first public post? Party.

Big progress is made of multiple little moments in a trench coat, trying to get your attention. Notice them.

7. Stop asking if it’s too late
If you woke up today, it’s not.

You’re not expired.
You’re experienced.
And now you know better than to wait for permission.

10 things to learn in midlife that will change your life

These aren’t just “fun skills.” They’re doorways to new energy, new people, and a new sense of yourself.

1. Learn to lift heavy weights
DO IT. It feels SO good. You’ll age better. You’ll feel stronger. You’ll gain confidence that bleeds into everything else.

2. Learn to cook like a badass
Fast food is soooo 2020, I don’t care who you are. Nourishing yourself with flavor, care, and creativity is revolutionary. (These days, it’s actually cheaper too.)

3. Learn to meditate without making it weird
No chanting required. Just 5 minutes of stillness a day can rewire your nervous system. And you can do it anywhere: sitting in the bathroom, in front of your cup of coffee, mindfully walking to the car (okay, maybe not behind the wheel though).

4. Learn to speak a second language
I’m on a Duolingo kick lately - they’re free, and they teach spoken languages, as well as music and math! Your brain loves the challenge. Your travel becomes richer. Your perspective expands.

5. Learn a musical instrument
I wish I’d learned this in high school, but it’s not too late. Suck at it proudly! Learning to create sound builds patience, joy, and neuroplasticity.

6. Learn how to budget, invest, and manage money like a boss
Financial peace = creative freedom. The sooner you get intentional with your spending, investing and saving, the freer your second half will be.

7. Learn self-defense or a martial art
Not just for safety, but for sovereignty. For knowing you can move through the world with power. (It’s not all a**-kicking, some of it is just energy movement. My favorite kind accomplishes BOTH.)

8. Learn how to build an online business or creative side hustle
You don’t need to go viral. Just know you have LOTS of options. Leverage your skills.

9. Learn breathwork
I can’t stress this one enough. Your breath is your anchor, your energy source, and your reset button. It is a mediative conversation between your heart and mind. It’s free, and it’s powerful as hell.

10. Learn public speaking or storytelling
Most people are s*** verbal communicators, and they never do anything about it. Then they cry when all their interviews fail, and their loved ones consistently misunderstand them.

Your voice is part of your legacy. Don’t be afraid of it. Learn how to use it.

The only permission you need is your own

Reinvention isn’t about proving anything to anyone.
It’s about remembering who you are—and deciding who you still want to become.

The world wants you to shrink.
Midlife says: expand.

You are not too old.
You are too wise to keep living a life that doesn’t light you up.

So take the class.
Try the thing.
Look foolish.
Look curious.
Look free.

Because you’re not running out of time.
You’re just running out of excuses. 🔥

Grab your pen, hit the books (or the gym), and let’s go!

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In the time since, I’ve walked the haunted path so many of us eventually face: the first birthday without her, the first holiday she didn’t call, the first time I needed her wisdom and knew she wouldn’t answer.

Grief has taken its swings.

Just as I think I’ve faced the biggest losses, I keep discovering new ones:

She won’t be here to coach me through menopause.
She’ll never meet my future partner.
Any future milestone, no matter how bright, will always cast a little shadow.
The sunniest days carry a slight overcast.

This isn’t the kind of pain that fades away, it’s the kind that settles in.

But midlife brings something new to the grief process. Something I didn’t expect: the chance to meet yourself at a new depth.

Grief isn’t linear, it’s layered

In midlife, grief takes on new dimensions.
We don’t just grieve people.

We grieve past identities.
We grieve relationships that couldn’t be saved.
We grieve careers we gave everything to, only to outgrow, or be pushed out of.
We grieve youth, dreams we didn’t chase, and kids who no longer need us the way they once did.

There’s a quiet violence in these transitions.
They’re not dramatic enough to bring casseroles, but they gut us just the same.

And they leave us wondering: Who am I now?
And more quietly: Am I allowed to be happy again?

Choosing joy doesn’t mean betraying the grief

Here’s what I’m learning:

Grief doesn’t end.

But neither does joy.

I used to think I had to “wait out” the sadness. Like it was a thunderstorm and happiness was sunshine waiting on the other side.

But it’s not.

Grief isn’t weather. It’s climate.
It becomes part of the emotional ecosystem.
Joy isn’t something that appears when grief is done.
Joy is something you choose in the middle of the storm.

You don’t wait to feel ready.
You choose happy, even when it feels like betrayal.
You choose happy, even when it breaks your heart.

Because if you wait for the grief to vanish, you’ll be waiting forever.

Your ego wants grief to earn joy…but that’s not how it works

My ego insists that the facts must change before my emotions can.
It whispers:

“You can’t be happy. Look what you’ve lost.”
“You can’t feel joy today, Mom is still gone.”

Some days this week, it only mumbles from under the blankets, “…not today.”

Because in grief, your ego wears black too.
It knows how to play the mourner.

But here’s something else I’ve learned in midlife:
Feelings are data, not dictators.
They make excellent guides, but they don’t get to decide your life for you.

If you wait for grief to “let you” feel happy, you may never feel happy again.
Joy becomes something you have to choose, have to dig for sometimes.

But when you do, something crazy happens. Not in opposition to grief, but alongside it.

Grief doesn’t go away, but it doesn’t have to be in charge

You can feel the loss and laugh until your face hurts.
You can miss them and dance to your favorite song.
You can ache and build something new.

Grief can ride in the passenger seat. But you have to learn to take the wheel, or it can run you off a cliff.

Midlife is when we stop letting our emotions lead us blindly.
It’s when we learn that emotional intelligence isn’t just about feeling, it’s about choosing.

Not in a fake-it-‘til-you-make-it way.
But in a show up anyway kind of way.
In a feel it fully and still move forward kind of way.

That’s emotional leadership.
That’s the strength you earn from living long enough to know joy and sorrow aren’t opposites: they’re companions.

“All of a piece,” as Alan Watts said.

Midlife gives you grief, but also wisdom

This season of life can feel like a reckoning.
The losses hit harder.
The changes come faster.

But we also have something we didn’t have in our 20s or 30s:

Clarity.
Depth.
Perspective.
A knowing that emotions are waves, and we can ride them without drowning.

We’ve built enough history to trust that pain won’t last forever.
And that joy, even after devastation, isn’t just possible: it’s necessary.

How to choose joy when grief is still here

There’s no checklist for grieving well.
But there are small acts of defiance you can choose. Moments that signal to your soul: I’m still here. I still want to live.

🟡 Find one thing every day that makes you smile. Do it, even if it feels “wrong.”
🟡 Speak your loved one’s name. Keep them present.
🟡 Start something new, not to forget them, but to honor the life you still get to live.
🟡 Let yourself be surprised by delight. It will sneak in if you leave the door cracked.
🟡 Remember: choosing joy isn’t a betrayal. It’s a continuation.

You are still learning. That’s the whole point.

Midlife doesn’t mean you’ve figured it all out.
If anything, it’s the moment you realize how much more there is to feel.

But also how much better you are at holding it all. Grief. Love. Regret. Celebration. Sadness. Joy. All of it.

Often, all in the same hour.

It’s a dance you never asked to learn.
But you’re learning it anyway.

A yoga that pushes you to hold challenging spaces, and just keep breathing.

And with every move, you’re proving:
You’re strong.
You’re wise.
You’re not done yet.

Because even now, life is still offering you beauty.

And you’re allowed to say yes. 💛

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Last week I wrote about how getting “NO” from the universe can be a great thing. How “no” most of the time isn’t “never”, but simply “not just yet.”

But it occurred to me that we can end up spending so much time in “no” land that we unconsciously find ourselves setting up camp, deciding we live there.

Sometimes, it takes so long for our goals to come together that we start believing they never will.

And that’s when we fall into the trap.

Not because the dream is impossible, or because we’re incapable.

But because we’ve been in the waiting room for so long that we start to forget why we walked in at all.

The longer we wait, the easier it is to:

• miss the signs of progress

• numb out to the momentum

• sabotage our own efforts

• adopt beliefs that shrink us instead of support us

So if you’ve been doing the work, if you’ve been building your foundation, and things still feel stuck: this is your reminder…

You might be closer than you think.

Signs that success is right around the corner

We don’t always recognize progress as progress. We expect big neon signs and loud celebrations, but growth is usually quiet.

If you notice any of the following, take them seriously:

✔️ You’re starting to say “no” to things that once pulled you off course
✔️ Your habits and routines are more aligned with who you want to become
✔️ You’re feeling bored or agitated with your old patterns (this is often a signal that you’ve outgrown them)
✔️ Opportunities that match your dream life are starting to show up, even if they’re small
✔️ You’re having thoughts like: “I know I’m meant for more.” (That’s your internal GPS kicking in)

These are green lights.
Not the finish line, but signals that you’re getting close.
Don’t ignore them just because they’re subtle.

How we self-sabotage when the finish line is near

Your brain doesn’t care that you’re happy or sad. Its job is to make sure you survive - that’s all.

Ironically, some of the worst self-sabotage happens right before success shows up.

Why?

Because change (even good change!) can feel scary as hell.
You’re about to become someone you’ve never been before.
You’re about to live a life you haven’t fully seen yet.

And your brain? It doesn’t care if the old life sucked. It only cares that it was familiar.

So it throws out fear-based behaviors to pull you back:

🚩 Procrastination (when you used to be consistent)
🚩 Picking fights or creating drama to feel control
🚩 Suddenly doubting things you were excited about
🚩 Feeling “tired all the time” or numb (a nervous system response to internal change)
🚩 Quitting things right before they gain traction

If any of these sound familiar, ask yourself:

Is this a sign that I’m not ready? Or is this just fear/resistance showing up in disguise?

You might not be failing, you may simply be resisting the breakthrough.

The beliefs that sneak in and stall us

We’re not always conscious of the stories we tell ourselves in long waiting seasons.

But over time, if we don’t check in with our inner narrative, it starts to sound like this:

“I’m not good at finishing things.”
“I’ve missed my chance.”
“I’ll always be behind.”
“I’m too late/too old/too inexperienced.”
“If it hasn’t happened by now, maybe it never will.”

These thoughts never sound dramatic, they sound reasonable.

And that’s why they’re dangerous.

Because they don’t scare you.
They slowly shrink you.

So, check in:

What have you been telling yourself lately?
Whose voice does it sound like?
And more importantly: Do you want to keep believing it?

How to get back on track when you’ve drifted

Here’s the good news:
Even if you’ve been numbing, doubting, or drifting—you can turn it around fast.

Here’s how:

🔁 Reconnect with your “why.”
Remind yourself why this dream mattered in the first place.
What would it change in your life? In your relationships? In your sense of self?

📍Zoom out.
Look back at the last 6 months.
What’s different now?
Where have you grown, even if it hasn’t “paid off” yet?

💥 Take one bold, visible action.
Not a big one, just a visible one. Something that shows your brain you’re back at the wheel.
Examples:

• Pitch the idea

• Apply for the thing

• Tell someone your goal out loud

• Post the first piece of your dream online

Your brain doesn’t need perfection. It needs evidence that you’re in motion again.

🔒 Double down on your fundamentals.
When in doubt, go back to the basics.
Routines. Rest. Boundaries. Joy.
Success sits on top of those things - not the other way around.

You are closer than you think

Sometimes, it feels like nothing is happening.

But behind the scenes?
Your skills are stacking.
Your identity is shifting.
Your alignment is locking in.

The green light might not have shown up yet.
But the path is clearing.

Don’t let a temporary “NO” talk you into never hearing the resounding “YES” when it comes.

You’re not starting over.
The weather is clearing, and the stars are coming out for you.

Stay awake for us.

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Every dreamer has heard it.

“No.”
Not now.
Not you.
Not yet.

Sometimes it sounds like rejection.
Sometimes it feels like delay.
Sometimes it just feels like the universe is messing with you.

But what if that resistance wasn’t punishment?
What if it was preparation?

The No’s that shaped you

Think about the biggest “No” you’ve ever received.

The job you didn’t get. The job I almost lost…
The relationship(s) that didn’t work.
The plan that fell apart right when you needed it most.

Now think about who you became in the aftermath.
The skills you learned.
The grit you built.
The perspective you gained.

Most of the time, we look back and say, “I wasn’t ready then.”
Not because we weren’t smart or capable or worthy, but because we didn’t have the fundamentals nailed down.

And the truth is, no one really talks about this:
A dream isn’t just something you chase. It’s something you must be ready to handle.

If you’re ready to Will that dream into reality, you’ve got to pave the way with real footwork.

Resistance isn’t rejection: it’s refinement

Tough love:
When life closes a door, it’s often because you’re not ready to walk through it yet.

It’s not a dead end.
It’s a training ground.

You don’t build a dream life with vibes alone.
You build it with tools.

• Emotional regulation.

• Money sense.

• Boundaries.

• The ability to say no to good things so you can say yes to the right things.

Those aren’t sexy Instagram quotes.
They’re the foundation under every fulfilled, well-lived life.

So when things aren’t moving as fast as you want, ask:
What am I being asked to learn right now?
What system, practice, or truth do I need to lock in before this next chapter begins?

Midlife: When the runway clears

This is why midlife is such a gift.

We’ve spent decades gathering tools, and skills. Most of the time without realizing it.

We’ve learned:
✔️ How to budget (after screwing up our finances a few times)
✔️ How to read a room (after saying the wrong thing once or twice)
✔️ How to walk away from things that look good but feel wrong
✔️ How to hold boundaries, speak up, and own our decisions

Midlife is when you realize… you’re ready now.

You’ve been learning the whole time.
Sharpening your instincts.
Failing forward.
Becoming the kind of person who can not just dream, but execute.

And now?

Now, you get to taxi to the runway…

The green light is coming, so get ready

When life says “Not yet,” it doesn’t mean never.
It means use this time.

Use it to prepare.
To experiment.
To upgrade your systems and skill sets.

So when the green light comes, you’re not scrambling: you’re f*cking ready.

Here’s how…

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Prepare for liftoff!

1. Sharpen your fundamentals

What’s one area of life that still feels shaky?

• Your time management?

• Your emotional regulation?

• Your energy boundaries?

Pick one and work it like a skill.
Because it is a skill.
And mastering it will give your dreams a place to land.

2. Take inventory of what you’ve already mastered

Midlife comes with receipts.

(Recall what I’ve said about keeping written notes and journal entries on everything - they’ll help you to see your way forward here.)

You’ve seen some sh*t.
You’ve figured things out the hard way.

So pause and take inventory:

• What comes easy now that used to feel impossible?

• What have you learned that 25-year-old you would be amazed by?

• What emotional or mental muscles are stronger now than ever?

You’ve earned those stripes.
Own them.

3. Design your “ready-to-launch” life

If you knew your dream would absolutely come true in 6 months… what would you do today to prepare for it?

Would you:

• Clear your schedule?

• Improve your health?

• Declutter your space?

• Learn a new skill?

Don’t wait for proof.
Prepare anyway.
You’ll be surprised how fast the green light appears when you act like it’s already on the way.

The no isn’t the end—it's the setup

Every resistance you’ve felt, every delay, every season of silence…
It was never meant to break you.

It was meant to build you.

So when life tells you “No,”
Don’t crumble.
Get curious.
Get ready.
Get intentional.

Because the runway is clearing.

And when the light turns green?

You’ll be airborne. ✈️🔥

***Tell me in the comments: what does your dream life look like, and how are you preparing for it to happen for you?

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Today, I heard someone say they had been called "invisible" because of their age.

And I had to laugh.

Because, truth is, in midlife we’re only invisible to people who can’t sell us sh*t anymore.

We’re invisible to the marketers pushing wrinkle creams, the real estate agents dangling overpriced beachfront properties, the algorithms serving up desperate ads for "hot singles in your area."

We’re invisible to those who need us to be insecure—because a confident, self-assured person is the worst kind of customer.

But if we’re talking about real life? We’re not invisible at all.

We’re free.

We’ve been to the puppet show

There’s a scene in Jerry Maguire (one of my favorite flicks) where Rod Tidwell says:

"They have been to the circus, you know what I'm saying? They have been to the puppet show and they have seen the strings."

That’s us in midlife.

We’ve seen how the world operates. We know how the game is played.

We’ve seen the 20-somethings chase careers that will eat them alive.
We’ve seen people buy sh*t they don’t need to impress people they don’t even like.
We’ve seen dating apps turn human connection into a marketing funnel.

And we’re just not impressed anymore.

We’ve spent enough years getting sold to, talked down to, and told what to do.
And now, we get to opt out.

Can’t sell me anything

Capitalism thrives on your dissatisfaction.

It’s a culture that wraps its whole strategy around getting you to lower your price of admission, because it is bankrupt at its f*ing core.

The younger you are, the easier it is to sell you the idea that something is missing.

• You’re not beautiful enough. Buy this cream.

• You’re not successful enough. Work harder.

• You’re not desirable enough. Change yourself.

Midlife kills that noise.

Because when you love your body for what it is, anti-aging brands panic.
When you’re content in your home, luxury realtors lose a customer.
When you’ve built a life that fulfills you, industries selling "escapes" go bankrupt.

You can’t sell insecurity to someone who isn’t insecure.

The stuff they’re selling, we don’t need. And the stuff we do need, we find other people can’t give us.

Algorithms get hilariously confused, throwing all sorts of randomness at us.
We become…invisible.

We don’t need validation

A funny thing happens in midlife.

We stop needing to be seen by everyone.
Because we’ve already found what really matters.

• If you’ve built a life you love, you don’t need to "prove" anything.

• If you’re happy with your own company, you don’t need constant attention.

• If you know your worth, you don’t need strangers to validate it.

And people who can’t manipulate you hate that.

The red-pill punks who preach that a woman’s value "expires" at 30?
They’re just mad they can’t cheapen you to yourself.

The beauty industry that spent decades convincing you that wrinkles = irrelevance?
They have no clue what to do when you embrace aging instead of fearing it.

But we’re not invisible, we’re just unbothered.

We’re done running from ourselves

Another thing they can’t sell you anymore? Escape.

Because by midlife, you’re done running from yourself.

You’ve already lived enough life to realize that:

• No bottle of wine fixes a sh*tty reality.

• No vacation erases a life you secretly hate.

• No "self-care splurge" replaces deep self-worth.

You’ve made peace with yourself.

You’ve done the work, faced the hard truths, and started shaping a life that actually feels good to live in.

So alcohol, cigarettes, fast fashion, and every other distraction-based industry loses you.

Which, again, makes you invisible to the ones who profit off your pain.

But not to the people who truly matter.

Clarity is the real magic trick

Far from fading into irrelevance, midlife is when we finally start seeing clearly.

We know who we are.
We’re figuring out why we’re here.
And we’re damn sure about how we want to spend our time.

That’s real visibility.

Not the kind that comes from a perfectly curated Instagram feed.
Not the kind that comes from being marketable, desirable, or "on-trend."

The kind that comes from being fully present in your own life.

That kind of visibility?

It doesn’t fade with age.

It gets brighter.

So let them call us invisible

Let them believe that youth = power.
Let them chase validation, external approval, and things they don’t actually want.

Meanwhile, you?

You’re over here building a life that doesn’t require outside validation to feel good.

And once you figure it out, you can’t be sold back into the illusion.

You’re not invisible.

You’re invincible.

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What if you’re not feeling invincible?

Being invisible to advertisers, to social media, to the nonsense that society tries to sell you? That’s a superpower.

But feeling unseen, or unheard, in the places that actually matter—your relationships, your workplace, your community? That’s different.

That kind of invisibility can sting.

Because no matter how strong, independent, or self-assured we are, we still want to be seen. We still want to matter.

So what do you do when you start feeling like you’re fading into the background? When it feels like no one notices, no one listens, and no one really sees you?

Step 1: Ask yourself, ‘Who am I trying to be seen by?’

Before assuming invisibility is the problem, check who you’re trying to be visible to.

Are you feeling unseen at work?
By your partner?
In your friendships?
In the world at large?

Or are you expecting to be seen by people who never valued you in the first place?

Sometimes, you’re standing in front of the wrong audience.

So take a step back:

• Who does make you feel seen?

• Where do you feel valued, heard, and appreciated?

• Are you focusing too much energy on the places that don’t?

Not everyone is meant to recognize your magic.
That doesn’t mean your magic isn’t real.

Step 2: Make sure you’re not disappearing on yourself

Sometimes when we feel invisible, it’s because we’ve stopped showing up for ourselves.

Are you still speaking up?
Are you still taking up space?
Are you still bringing your full self to the table?

Or have you slowly, quietly, started shrinking?

It’s easy to blame the world for not seeing us.
But sometimes, we are the ones fading out of our own lives.

Check in:

• Have I been expressing what I want?

• Have I let my own voice get quieter?

• Am I waiting for others to give me space instead of claiming it myself?

You can’t control how others respond.
But you can control how fully you show up.

Step 3: Stop waiting for permission to be seen

If you’re waiting for an invitation to step forward—to be noticed, heard, or valued—you might be waiting forever.

Midlife gives you a gift: the realization that you don’t need permission anymore.

Invite yourself to the tables that matter:

• Speak up in meetings, even if no one asks.

• Share your thoughts, even if they feel inconvenient.

• Put your name in for the opportunity, even if you think they’ll overlook you.

If you’re waiting for someone else to decide you’re important enough to be noticed, you’re handing over your power.

Decide that for yourself.

Step 4: Create your own visibility

If the spaces you’re in don’t see you, it might be time to create new ones.

Find the rooms where people value what you bring.
Seek out the people who light up when you speak.
Build spaces where you are fully seen, not tolerated.

This might mean:

• Seeking out new friendships that align with who you are now.

• Creating your own community instead of waiting for one to find you.

• Changing careers, environments, or roles to step into something bigger.

Some rooms will never make space for you.
You don’t have to stay in them.

Step 5: Remember visibility isn’t always loud

Being seen doesn’t always mean being the loudest person in the room.

Some of the most powerful people move in silence.
They don’t need constant recognition to know they matter.
They don’t rely on external validation to feel real.

They know that what they’re building—their life, their presence, their work—speaks for itself.

You don’t have to prove your worth to be worthy.
You don’t have to demand recognition to be valuable.

You are here.
You matter.
And the right people? They see you.

Even if they haven’t said it yet.

When you feel invisible, take your power back

Feeling unseen isn’t a dead end—it’s a signal.

A signal to:
✔ Shift your energy toward the right people.
✔ Show up fully for yourself.
✔ Stop waiting for permission.
✔ Create new spaces where your presence is valued.
✔ Remember that you don’t need to be loud to matter.

You have room to clearly see yourself. You don’t need anyone else’s eyes for this. You know who you are.

And that power is what makes you invincible.

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Living a fulfilling life—one packed with meaning, purpose, and joy—often feels like an art.

It’s the stuff of intuition, gut feelings, and sparks of inspiration.

But underneath it all, it’s a science.

A system you can experiment with.
A process you can measure.
A formula you can tweak until it works like f*cking magic.

But there’s magic and magick.

Aleister Crowley called magick “the Science and Art of causing Change to occur in conformity with Will.”

Very simple math:
Change + Will.

It’s not about waiting for the universe to hand you a better life.
It’s about understanding what you want and learning how to build it—step by step.

This is where real life fulfillment happens.
Not in a vision board or a fleeting high from a self-help book.

But in the daily science of designing your life to align with your will.

But how do we actually do that?

Step 1: Identify your will (AKA: what the hell do you actually want?)

How many times have you started a diet, and then the first time you were faced with a craving, you caved?

You have to be honest about what you truly want from life.

Fulfillment starts with clarity.
And clarity is scientific—it requires data.

Not vibes. Not guesses. Data from your actual life.

Start collecting it:

• When do you feel most alive?

• What activities make time disappear?

• When was the last time you thought, “Holy sh*t, this is it”?

• What kind of things did you have to say no to, to reach this YES moment?

Notice patterns.
Your will—your purpose—is often hiding in those moments.

Experiment:
For 2 weeks, track what energizes you vs. what drains you.
Write it down—every day.
Patterns will emerge. They’re your map.

Step 2: Run small experiments (play your way forward)

Purpose is not something you “find.”
It’s something you build—through action.

Too many people wait for clarity before they start.
That’s backward.

Clarity comes from starting.

Think of this like a science experiment.
Try small, low-stakes versions of what excites you:

• Curious about writing? Post a 100-word thought online.

• Drawn to community work? Host a casual meetup.

• Feel a pull toward fitness? Try a new class, no expectations.

Treat it like data collection.
Not “success” or “failure”—just feedback.

Measure the results:
Did this light me up?
Did it feel aligned?
What worked? What didn’t?

Tiny experiments stack into massive clarity.

Step 3: Eliminate what doesn’t serve your will

This is a tough one…

Fulfillment is often less about adding, and more about subtracting.

Our lives get clogged with obligations, expectations, and roles that have nothing to do with our purpose.

A fulfilling life requires space.
Space to create. Space to rest. Space to feel.

This part is pure science:
- Remove inputs that drain you

+ Add choices and habits that fuel your badass goals

= Create more energy for what fuels you.

Experiment:
Pick one draining thing this month to reduce or eliminate.
Maybe it’s a toxic friend, a pointless obligation, or a soul-sucking task.
Track what happens when it’s gone.
Do you feel lighter? More creative?

You’ll quickly see—subtraction is powerful.

Step 4: Build systems that support your will

Here’s the truth: relying on motivation is cute, but it’s not science.
Motivation is a sugar high - like a 2 year old, it spikes and crashes.

What works? Systems.

Systems reduce friction. They help you build a fulfilling life on autopilot.

Examples:

• Want to write more? Set up a 15-min block every morning—same time, no decision fatigue.

• Craving more adventure? Schedule one “new experience” weekend every month—non-negotiable.

• Need more connection? Pick one day a week you always meet up with a friend.

Systems turn willpower into momentum.

Experiment:
Build one system that supports what fuels you.
Track it for 30 days.
Does it create more ease? More energy?

If it works, double down.
If it doesn’t, tweak it.

Life alignment is a living experiment.

Step 5: Track your magic (proof makes you unstoppable)

Negativity bias will tend you toward forgetting the f*cking cool stuff, and remembering what sucked about getting there.

The beauty of pure data, and data collection, is there are no lies.

Keep your data consistently, and the truth of yourself, your joy, your growth becomes undeniable.

This is where science and magic meet.
Tracking progress creates momentum.

When you see your wins—no matter how small—it rewires your brain.
It turns “Maybe I can” into “Holy sh*t, I’m doing this.”

Create a Success Log.
Every week, write down:

• 1 thing you did that aligned with your purpose

• 1 bold action you took toward the life you want

• 1 “hell yes” moment that reminded you why this work matters

Track your own magic.
The data will prove what’s working—and what’s transforming you.

Science + Will = Life you f*cking love

Crafting a fulfilling life is not an accident.
It’s not luck.
And it’s not reserved for the chosen few.

It’s a process—a science—of experimenting, measuring, and aligning.
Over and over, until your reality matches your will.

This is YOUR power.
Your freedom.
Your magic.

And it’s all yours to create.

So, what’s your first experiment? 🔥Drop a comment, or chat me up!

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For years, I believed in making employment better. That employees should be able to express themselves at work, that paychecks and taxes should be easier to understand, and that toxic workplaces should be a thing of the past. I wanted to help fix the system, make it more transparent, and empower employees to take control within it.

But here’s the truth: it’s not fixable.

Salaries aren’t keeping up with inflation. Retirement is increasingly a fantasy. Workplaces are too unpredictable for employees to stake their entire livelihood on. The idea that a stable job and a steady paycheck will carry us comfortably into the future? It’s a lie we’ve been sold for generations.

And for us midlifers, this realization is even more urgent. If you’re in your 40s or 50s, you don’t have the luxury of waiting for employers to “do the right thing.” It’s time to escape the hamster wheel.

Why Employees Need to Break Free

Employers are unpredictable (and indifferent to your future)

The idea that you can rely on an employer for long-term security is outdated.

• Layoffs are gutting whole industries, and company loyalty means sh*t. You could be the best, most dedicated employee in the company, and one bad quarter later, you’re “redundant”.

• Employers are optimizing for profit, not for you. Not your families, your benefits, or your well-being. Sure as hell not your freedom, or “work/life balance.”

• That means wages stay stagnant while costs rise, and your retirement plan? If your employer even offers one, it’s not their problem if it doesn’t pan out.

The only person responsible for your future is you.

Salaries are losing the battle against inflation

Even if you get a decent salary, have you noticed that it buys less and less every year? The cost of living keeps climbing, but annual raises (if you even get one) are barely keeping up. The “good job” that used to provide a middle-class lifestyle now barely covers the essentials.

If you’re not building your own income streams, you’re painting deck chairs on the Titanic - losing ground, and fast.

Retirement is a pipe dream for most

My parents retired together 2.5 years ago. They were supposed to have their golden years together.

Mom died a year ago, and now my dad stares at Fox News all day. But yay retirement, right?

Retirement used to mean working for 40 years, collecting a pension, and enjoying your golden years. Now? Pensions are almost extinct, 401(k)s are unreliable, and Social Security is a question mark.

Many people in their 40s and 50s are realizing they don’t have enough saved and never will if they stay in traditional jobs. They’re going to have to work longer, and the scariest part? Their industry may not even want them by the time they’re in their 60s.

The Midlife Escape Plan

If the 9-to-5 is a sinking ship, the smartest move is to build our own sailboat. (Or fishing boat, if that’s your thing.)

Here’s how we can start transitioning out of employment and into self-sufficiency and control.

1. Shift your mindset: from employee to owner

The biggest barrier to breaking free isn’t financial—it’s mental. Most of us have spent decades being conditioned to think like employees:

• We wait for someone else to give us a paycheck.

• We expect external validation for our work.

• We trade our time for money instead of leveraging assets.

To escape, you have to start thinking like an owner. You need to see money as something you create, not something you’re given. You need to stop thinking in terms of “jobs” and start thinking in terms of systems, businesses, and assets.

2. Start a side business (without quitting yet)

If you’re in your 40s or 50s, you likely can’t just quit tomorrow—you have responsibilities. But you can start building something now that becomes your escape route.

Start with a side income stream that fits your skills:

• Freelancing (writing, consulting, design, marketing, tech, etc.)

• Coaching or teaching (leveraging your experience in a profitable way)

• Selling digital products (courses, e-books, templates)

• E-commerce or a service business (leveraging automation to scale)

The goal isn’t instant wealth—it’s to prove to yourself that you can make money without an employer. Once that switch flips, everything changes.

And you - YOU - can do this.

3. Cut dependence on a single paycheck

Financial independence isn’t just about making more money—it’s about needing less. Most employees are trapped because they’re completely dependent on one source of income (their salary). If it disappears, they’re in free fall.

To escape, start diversifying:

• Build savings so you have an emergency fund.

• Invest in income-generating assets (stocks, real estate, small businesses).

• Create multiple income streams (your side hustle, investments, and other revenue sources).

Freedom comes when losing one income source isn’t catastrophic.

4. Leverage skills you already have

You don’t have to start from scratch. You have decades of experience, knowledge, and skills—that’s an asset.

• If you’ve worked in management? People pay for leadership coaching.

• If you’re good at marketing? Businesses need consultants and copywriters.

• If you know a specific industry well? You can teach others how to break in, or how to pitch to those companies.

The fastest way to start making independent income isn’t learning something new—it’s monetizing what you already know. I

It’s never too late to learn new things, explore new possibilities. But don’t let that become procrastination from banking on the skills you’re sleeping on right now.

5. Know when to quit the 9-to-5 for good

The best exit strategy is gradual. You don’t have to take a blind leap. Be smart, you can plan it:

• Phase 1: Start a side income.

• Phase 2: Grow it until it covers your essentials (for me, this includes paying off my debts). Stay here as long as needed to ensure this income is sustainable - don’t let a seasonal fluke convince you you’re golden.

• Phase 3: Quit when your job becomes optional.

When you no longer need the job to survive, you’ve won. Even if you don’t quit, you can practice your 2-minutes-notice letter.

The future belongs to the self-sufficient

My parents used to fantasize about winning the lottery. All the money and time they’d have. As they got older these dreams shifted to retirement, so they reasoned they’d be more or less broke, but still have all the time in the world together.

Retirement, lottery winnings…these are both faces of magical thinking. Dreaming something is going to save us one day. One day…

But the job market isn’t getting better. Salaries aren’t suddenly going to catch up to inflation. Employers aren’t going to become more generous. If you’re waiting for conditions to improve, you’re wasting time.

The only real security comes from owning your time, skills, and income streams. For f*cks sake, bet on YOU.

Midlife is the perfect time to take control—because you have the experience, the wisdom, and the urgency to do it now.

The question isn’t if you should leave the 9-to-5 mindset behind. The question is: How soon can you start?

***What are you doing to become your own boss? Drop a comment, and let’s support each other!

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You know what’s wild?

Midlife is supposed to be when everything slows down. When you settle into some neatly packaged version of “adulthood.” When the world expects you to either be locked into a long-term marriage or quietly resigned to loneliness.

What a load of sh*t.

Because here’s the truth: Midlife is when you finally get your life back.

And if you’re lucky enough to have real, ride-or-die friends? It’s when things get really f*cking good.

The myth of “settling down”

For years, we were fed a script.

Find the person. Build the life. Follow the path.

But what happens when life doesn’t go that way? Or when it does, and you wake up realizing you want something different?

Midlife isn’t when you settle down. It’s when you settle into yourself.

And when you do it surrounded by the right people? Everything changes.

The magic of deep, platonic love

I live with two of my best friends.

We are single, happy, and actively choosing this life. Not as a backup plan. Not as a second-best option. But as a real, meaningful, intentional way to live.

There is no pressure to perform. No exhausting relationship dynamics. No pretending to be something we’re not.

Just deep, steady, unshakable love.

Romance gets all the attention, but friendship? Friendship is the real lifeline.

It’s the 3 a.m. talks. The inside jokes. The unspoken knowing that you are never alone in this world.

It’s a whole kind of love that society doesn’t talk about enough. But once you realize how powerful it is? You stop waiting for something else.

Why this life works

We have our own routines. Our own interests. Our own space.

But at the end of the day, we come home to each other.

We celebrate the wins. We show up for the losses. We make normal days feel like something special.

There’s no pretending, no forced small talk, no draining relationships kept out of obligation.

Just ease. Just joy. Just a home filled with people who actually get it.

The joy of saying no

Here’s the best part of midlife: You don’t have time for bullsh*t anymore.

You see toxic people for what they are. You spot energy-drainers from a mile away. You don’t waste your time on things that don’t serve you.

And when you have real friends? You don’t make desperate choices.

You don’t stay in a bad relationship just because you’re afraid of being alone. You don’t cling to people who don’t see your worth. You don’t settle for a life that doesn’t feel right.

Because you’re already surrounded by love, laughter, and people who actually give a damn.

How to build this life for yourself

Not everyone gets dropped into a perfect friend-filled living situation. But you can create your own version of this.

• Invest in deep friendships. The ones that feel effortless. The ones that light you up.

• Let go of outdated ideas about what a “good life” looks like. If you’re waiting for a partner before you start living fully, stop.

• Find your people. Not just acquaintances. Not just social friends. The ones who make you feel safe, free, and totally yourself.

• Make home what you need it to be. Maybe that’s living with friends. Maybe it’s building a strong, supportive community nearby. But choose it.

This is the life we built—and it’s f*cking great

We are proof that midlife isn’t a crisis.

It’s a gift.

It’s the moment you stop trying to fit into a life that doesn’t serve you. It’s when you create the life you actually want.

And if you do it with people who love you, challenge you, and make life fun?

It’s not just good.

It’s f*cking magic.

This is my Circle.

***Do you live with other awesome adults? Tell me about it in the comments!***

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Recently I started seeing my first white hairs pop up.

(I told you this last year was a rough one…)

What surprised me was that I didn’t feel the dread I felt when I turned 30. No, I actually laughed a little.

I was so excited I ran to my older adult friends to validate this: “Tell me these are real, right? Not just blond or light hairs? Real white??”

I started looking at getting those cute beaded lanyards for glasses. I’m leaning into what I proudly call “my villain era.” I’ve even got the laugh for it and everything.

Midlife isn’t a crisis. It’s a goddamn awakening.

People spend their 20s trying to be someone. Worrying about what’s “right.” Obsessing over how they look instead of how they feel.

Then, at some point in your 30s or 40s, you wake the hell up.

You realize: None of that sh*t ever mattered.

And suddenly, life gets really interesting. Here’s how:

You stop giving a sh*t about the wrong things

I’m sitting here wearing a macaroni and cheese t-shirt. If loving mac and cheese is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

And my ex just messaged me, saying he still loves me. He’ll stay on Read status forever.

Remember when you spent hours agonizing over a harmless text?

Or when you rearranged your personality to make other people comfortable?

Or when you genuinely thought you’d be ruined if you embarrassed yourself in public?

Yeah, that’s done now.

At midlife, you start realizing how much energy you wasted caring about things that didn’t deserve it.

Now, you get to reclaim that energy.

Not sure where to start? Here’s a list of things you’re officially allowed to stop giving a sh*t about:

• other people’s expectations

• trying to be “likable” to everyone

• society’s played out timeline

• trends that aren’t even cool

• saying “yes” when you mean “no”

• keeping up with people you don’t even like

• needing a reason to do what makes you happy

Give yourself permission to drop the weight of all that unnecessary baggage. You’ll feel 10 years younger.

You start giving a sh*t about the right things

Midlife isn’t about not caring. It’s about caring differently.

It’s about getting clear with your boundaries, and maintaining them.

You stop worrying about being impressive and start focusing on being real, and vulnerable with those that deserve it.

You care less about external validation and more about whether you actually like your life.

You start asking better questions:

• What actually makes me feel alive?

• What am I done tolerating?

• Who do I love being around?

• What do I want to create in the time I have left?

Suddenly, life stops being about checking off boxes and starts being about living on your own terms.

Your tolerance for bullsh*t disappears

At 25, I sat through dinners with my soul-sucking in-laws just to be polite.

At 43? I’ll Irish-exit mid-sentence and sleep like a baby.

• You don’t waste time on people who suck the energy out of a room.

• You don’t entertain relationships that are all effort, no joy.

• You don’t let guilt keep you in places you’ve outgrown.

Because once you realize your time is your most valuable asset, you stop handing it out like free samples.

You protect your peace like it’s your f*cking job.

You finally own your weirdness

For years, I tried to be palatable. Maybe you did too.

You made yourself smaller. Softer. More acceptable.

Then one day, you wake up and realize: your weirdness is the best thing about you.

So you stop hiding it.

• You start villain laughing, wearing mac and cheese shirts, and doing sh*t that excites you.

• You start chasing ideas that would’ve scared you before.

• You let yourself play. Experiment. Try things just because they feel good.

And guess what? Life gets way more fun when you stop filtering yourself.

You learn to enjoy your own damn company

When you were younger, being alone felt lonely.

Now being alone feels like a vacation.

• You take yourself on coffee dates.

• You sit in silence without reaching for your phone.

• You actually like your own thoughts. (Maybe you do, I’m still working on that.)

If you’re an extrovert, maybe you don’t need a packed social calendar to feel worthy. You don’t need constant stimulation to feel alive.

You learn how to be with yourself—and that’s something most people never master.

You realize it’s never too late for anything

Maybe you thought life had to be figured out by 30. Maybe you thought your “best years” were behind you. I mourned my 20s, personally – I thought 30 was old.

And then you look around and realize…that was all bullsh*t.

People are starting over at 40, 50, 60, 70.

Learning new things. Changing careers. Falling in love. Writing books. Moving to new cities. Doing things they never thought they’d do.

You realize you don’t have forever, but you have so much time left.

You’re not too old for a damn thing. You’re just getting started.

The best part? You stop waiting and start living

For years, you put things off.

You waited for “the right time.” You waited to feel ready. You waited for someone to choose you.

But now?

• You realize you are the one who decides.

• You stop making excuses.

• You stop overcomplicating things.

You just f*cking go for it.

Life opens up in ways you never imagined.

So if you’re hitting midlife, here’s what I want you to know:

You are not fading. You are not irrelevant. You are not “past your prime.”

You are waking up.

You are stepping into your most powerful, unfiltered, fully alive years.

And the only thing you need to do?

Start acting like it. 🔥

Midlife isn’t something to survive—it’s something to own. If you want to make this chapter your best yet, start with these four measurable, no-BS ways to step into your power.

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Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, we forget.

We forget how to marvel at the steam curling from a cup of tea like a tiny ghost escaping into the afternoon air.

We forget to tilt our heads back and really look at the sky—to wonder why, on some days, it’s robin’s egg blue and on others, it’s the deep, endless velvet of the universe itself.

We trade curiosity for efficiency. Wonder for practicality. Magic for "real life."

But what if real life is magic?

Consider the ordinary moment of washing your hands. It’s something you’ve done thousands of times, barely registering the sensation. But today, just for a moment, notice.

Maybe get the water just a little too warm (happens to me a lot).

Feel the warmth of the water enveloping your fingers, the way it moves like silk against your skin.

This is no ordinary moment.

This is a miracle disguised as a routine.

The secret language of the world

There is a language the world speaks, but most of us have forgotten how to hear it.

It’s in the way leaves shiver in the breeze, whispering secrets to one another and giggling about them.

How morning sunlight yawns across the kitchen floor, warming the tiles in golden puddles.

It’s in the scent of freshly baked bread, in the sound of an unexpected laugh.

In the way my cat stretches—so luxuriously, so completely—as if she were the only creature in the world that understood the true meaning of comfort. (She would say so.)

If you listen closely, the world is telling you a story. Remember the language?

The Child within you still remembers

Think back to when you were a kid.

That dandelion wasn’t just a weed—it was a tiny sun, waiting to explode into a flurry of wishes. Rain puddles weren’t obstacles—they were portals, leading to secret worlds beneath the sidewalk.

Do you remember the way the simplest things felt like magic spells unfolding right before your eyes?

Worms wiggling through the dirt, the flicker of fireflies at night…

That part of you isn’t gone, it’s just been buried under schedules and responsibilities. Under grocery lists and emails, under the weight of adulting.

But what if, just for today, you let that child take the lead?

Everyday Magic, Hidden in the Ordinary

Try this experiment: For the rest of the day, pretend you’ve never been here before.

Look at your own house as if you were seeing it for the first time. The shape of the door, the way the shadows move across the walls, the scent of your home—familiar, yet suddenly new.

Taste your food like a scientist conducting an experiment. Is it sweet? Salty? Does it crunch? Does it melt?

Does it have flavor at all? When was the last time you noticed?

Ever notice how commercially bought roses don’t even smell like anything anymore?

Listen to the world like a symphony. The hum of the refrigerator, the murmur of distant traffic, the rise and fall of your own breath.

Look. Listen. Touch. Taste. Be here.

This is where magic lives. Not in some far-off adventure, not in fairy tales or fantasy books, but right here, in the life you’re already living.

The spell is simple: pay attention

You don’t need to move to a remote monastery, spend a fortune on retreats, or meditate for hours a day. The spell is much simpler than that.

Just notice.

Notice the way your coffee creamer swirls as you stir it. The way wind dances through the trees.

Pay attention, and the ordinary will unfold into something extraordinary.

And when it does—when you catch that glimpse of magic hiding in plain sight—you’ll remember.

You’ll remember that this life—your life—is full of wonder.

You’ll remember that magic never left you.

You just had to start looking for it again.

Do one simple, wonder-filled miracle for yourself, and tell us about it in the comments!

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That’s what we’re talking about in The Circle Chat. Real conversations. No fluff. No “be positive” nonsense. Just women who are DONE waiting and ready to wake the hell up to their own magic.

What’s inside?
🔥 Thought-provoking prompts that push you to think bigger
🔥 A space to drop your doubts and build momentum
🔥 Bold, no-BS discussions on purpose, creativity, and making sh*t happen

It’s not another group. It’s a movement—and you belong inside.

Join chat

How to get started

1. Get the Substack app by clicking this link or the button below. New chat threads won’t be sent sent via email, so turn on push notifications so you don’t miss conversation as it happens. You can also access chat on the web.

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2. Open the app and tap the Chat icon. It looks like two bubbles in the bottom bar, and you’ll see a row for my chat inside.

3. That’s it! Jump into my thread to say hi, and if you have any issues, check out Substack’s FAQ.

This isn’t just talk. It’s action. And it starts with you.

In the week before Mom died, there was a song my died recalled. One that he and Mom always loved.

I’m not a country fan, but it basically says “Don’t blink. You’ll lay down for a nap, and wake up at your wedding. Time flies by.” Something like that.

Adorable, until you get to the line in the song where the guy’s spouse is dying (country songs, I’m telling you…)

We’re all told that being cautious, responsible, and steady is the smart way to live. Stability rewards safety. Your parents warned you about risks. Your teachers pushed you to follow a well-worn path.

It wasn’t your fault. They wanted to protect you.

Here’s why playing it safe is the fastest way to lose—and what to do instead.

1. Comfort is a liar that steals your future

Safety feels good. No unexpected surprises, no scary risks, no chances of looking dumb. But there’s a catch:

Safety comes at a cost.

• Every time you avoid a challenge, your confidence shrinks.

• Every time you choose comfort over action, your future self pays the price.

• Every time you stay where it’s “safe,” you fall further behind.

We amuse ourselves to sleep, and then never wake up. Nothing changes. And if nothing changes, you wake up 5, 10, 20 years later stuck in the same place—only now, with more regret.

At 43, I wish I could make my past self put down the cellphone and learn something instead.

The world moves fast. If you’re standing still, you’re falling behind.

2. The people who win are the ones willing to look stupid

People don’t take risks is because they’re afraid of looking dumb.

• You don’t want to start a business because what if it fails?

• You don’t want to switch careers because what if you suck at it?

• You don’t want to chase your dream because what if people judge you?

The people who are winning at life right now? They looked stupid first. (Yes – they did. They all have those photos and stories they don’t want anyone to see.)

• Every expert was once a clueless beginner.

• Every successful entrepreneur launched something that flopped.

• Every confident speaker was once sweating through their first awkward presentation.

The only difference? They did it anyway.

They were willing to stumble, fail, and learn because they knew that staying in the safe zone meant never leveling up.

Meanwhile, the people who stayed in their comfort zones? They stayed exactly where they started. And that’s the real failure.

3. The clock is ticking, and it’s not on your side

Time is the only commodity that never comes back.

You wait until you can retire together, only for your spouse to die a year later. A waste.

Every day you spend waiting for the “right moment” is a day you could have been getting better, getting stronger, and getting closer to the life you actually want.

Here’s the truth that most people ignore:

• The “perfect time” will never come.

• You will never feel fully ready.

• The longer you wait, the harder it gets.

You don’t wake up one day with less fear. You wake up realizing that fear just stole years from you.

Playing it safe isn’t neutral—it’s a choice to stay stuck.

So what should you do instead?

If you want to actually start winning, you have to get uncomfortable. There’s no way around it.

• Say yes to something that scares you.

• Take a risk with no guarantee of success.

• Put yourself in a situation where you might fail.

Because here’s what happens when you do:

• You realize fear is mostly a liar.

• You get better, faster than you ever thought possible.

• You gain the kind of confidence that only comes from doing hard things.

And most importantly? You actually start making progress.

You don’t have to make a massive leap. Just take one small, uncomfortable step right now. Because the only thing worse than failing…

…is never even trying.

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We’re coming to the final months of a year that has been full of a lot of changes for me, most of them not great. Deaths, breakups, people getting thrown in jail, others stuck in hospital forever, unwise relocation choices…lots of big ugly things.

My emphasis has been on pushing through when things get hard. And on the heels of the year before this, which was chock full of conquering challenges, crushing goals, and learning surprising and (mostly) awesome things about myself, that made sense.

But expecting any success with that approach after a year that has not rewarded me for any of it, is proving to be the most self-dishonest and tone-deaf choice I could’ve made.

In my defense, this kind of year, these sort of challenges, have been totally unprecedented for me. I’m still trying to determine the best way forward through it.

And my writing has reflected the strain of trying to say something that made sense to a previous version of me that has slowly and finally run out of air.

We all want the story of how we get through the rough days. When I get through them, I’ll be here with my story of how I did it.

So what now?

Grief, fear and anxiety take a lot of energy – everything you try to do to move forward with them is 10x harder. Which means you need to find more energy from things you wouldn’t otherwise need to lean on as heavily, in search of joy, hope, inspiration, connection, creativity, and rest.

My focus is shifting from all the things I do because I’ve somehow thought I “have to”, to things that I feel replenished by doing because I’d “love to”.

It’s time to read the books, learn the things, have those conversations and experiences, live the life. To do what brings joy, and balance to a year that has brought me…here.

My intent is still to write regularly – I still want to learn to write better - but it’s going to be on a lot of different things. Some stuff that I haven’t been publishing because it isn’t “on brand”.

But it will absolutely be Me.

I remember one time I was on a fairly strict diet, and was exercising moderately. And I remember how much eating felt like a revelation – even a salad tasted phenomenally good.

I knew that my activity levels, and having cleared all the junk out of my system, had done a lot to reset my brain chemistry. So I could taste and enjoy real, nutritious food again.

Fast forward several years later. My diet wasn’t quite so strict, I was paying more attention to the macro-nutritional balance of what I was eating. But I was exercising more strenuously, and because my calories weren’t so restricted, I was able to push harder and do more at the gym.

And I felt that same thing: eating was more enjoyable, but for different reasons. I felt like I was replenishing my stores, feeding a higher metabolism, thanking my body for all the ways it was becoming stronger, more resilient.

And in turn, my workout became more like a celebration of my ability to push beyond my current limits, and find a new self that I liked (and most importantly, liked me back).

There are a lot of people who look at exercise and diet very differently, however.

These people tend to eat sensibly for the most part. But when a friend asks them out for pizza, or a 7 year old niece wants to celebrate her birthday with cake and ice cream…bad things happen.

They’ll go one of two different ways.

Either they’ll skip the pizza date entirely, and turn down the cake at the birthday, and then end up hating themselves for it all so they end up face down in a pint of ice cream that night…

Or they’ll enjoy the treats as best as they can, while counting all the calories so they know how much self-hatred to bring with them next time they get on the scale. And then run themselves on the treadmill until they puke.

NONE of the above options is healthy. But like all tools, both diet and exercise can be used for good and for ill.

Exercise is not a weapon with which to commit self-harm. And food should never be consumed in regret – talk about “junk food”.

This is why exercise is something most reasonably able-bodied people are encouraged to do: it is an active form of bodily compassion, feeling our bodies and all they can do.

A deeply focused workout is a conversation we have with our physical selves, wherein we see ourselves as we are. And we reach for all the fun and challenging ways we can enrich our body to make it stronger, more balanced and resilient.

(That’s also why an intense but mindful workout doesn’t need to take long, which knocks out one of our favorite excuses for why we don’t do it.)

But the knuckle-headed gym bros use some crazy language about fitness. “Pain is weakness leaving the body.” “Sweat is fat crying.” And then wonder why they can’t keep up with any fitness regimen past 2 months.

It’s simple: you get sick of abusing yourself. Don’t talk trash about your body and then expect it to do wondrous things for you.

Likewise, eating is how we fuel our body for all that it does – working, playing, loving, resting, celebrating. Diet should not be something consumed in regret, self-hatred, sadness, because these are energies we are actively taking into ourselves when we do so.

As happy (or at least well-balanced) people, we tend to make better choices for ourselves all around.

This includes all forms of “diet” – what we eat, drink, read, watch, people we hang out with, music we listen to. Diet isn’t just about where you are, but where you’d like to be, what you want to feel.

And for us with active lifestyles, food is replenishing and restorative, and even preparative. (Ever known you’ve got a long, fun day ahead of you, so you ate a hearty breakfast? Or eaten a quick PBJ sandwich to carb up for a workout?)

Life in a physical body is meant to be a life of joy and connectedness, not punishment and pain.

We are made to push our comfort zones to become all that we’d like to be, and then to rest. To enjoy all things of sense, and then to go within so we can see and feel…everything else within and around us.

As a follow-up to the salad earlier, food can be amazing, but the right types and amounts of exercise can make your blood sing too. I was just enjoying some good cardio time with a brisk walk, but with the weather cooling I decided to gig it up into a light jog.

After just 15 minutes of alternating between walking and jogging, the extra oxygen hit my brain, as well as the endorphin rush. My legs started getting tired, and I was sweating a lot, but it was like I could feel my bones singing, “I was born for this.”

Life is too short to make choices that harm your body, your heart, your mind. Especially when the good choices can feel so very good.

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So have a good look at your diet and activity choices, and ask yourself:

-          Being honest with yourself, what do you enjoy eating? How does your body feel after eating those things? If there are things you like eating that don’t sit well, can you find healthier choices that taste good AND feel good?

-          If there are things you like to eat that aren’t great for you, do you know why you eat them? (I’m no saint here, I get evil cravings sometimes. For me, these cravings usually erupt from sour relations with my thoughts and feelings. Stress, self-doubt, fatigue, etc.)

-          What kind of thoughts go through your mind while you eat? Do you pay attention to what you put in your mouth, or is eating usually something you do mindlessly on the way to something else? Try to eat mindfully and really smell, taste, feel your food as it goes in your body. Draw your attention to your thoughts and feelings as you eat.

-          Exercise can be as simple as walking the long way around at the office, opting for stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Or as strenuous as seeing how fast you can walk before you have to jog, and lifting as much as you can for 5 repetitions in a row. With 1 being a light walk to the mailbox, and 10 leaving you sweaty and gasping for breath: what level of activity makes you feel great after 30 minutes of it?

-          With this rating in mind, how often are you able to reach this level of activity during an average week? Would you like to get more of this exercise into your schedule, and if so what are some things you can shift in your life to do so?

-          When physical activity feels good, what cues do you get from your body and mind that make you feel good? Do you encounter any mental blocks against being as active as you’d like, and if so, what are they? Where do you think they come from?

Celebrate your body – it works hard for you day and night. Like any good machinery, feed and maintain it well!

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Sometimes we get stuck on needing to be talented to be what we want to be. We don’t already know a skill, we haven’t already become knowledgeable or experienced about it, so we give up before we even start.

But people with half that talent, and no education about anything, are forging ahead and blazing trails that could be ours.

They are no different from us, but in one thing: attitude.

They don’t know, so they learn. They don’t come pre-packaged with knack or talent, so they acquire it.

They see a battle, and they bow up. They gear up for the fight they see ahead of them, not run away.

The stress, anxiety, fear, all transmutes to excitement, as they go toe-to-toe with the finest of adversaries.

The only true opponent we ever meet in this life: our Self.

You + attitude change = evolution.

I’m a fan of time travel theory. Specifically, past and future iterations of our self/Self, and how they connect and inform each other.

The future you dream of is inhabited by your future Self. A version of the self you haven’t met yet.

A version we will never meet, if we don’t engage Them and agree to the new terms and conditions we will need to live by to become Them.

It’s always a fight between the self and the Self, because our current self insists there is nothing that needs to change about us. (Even as it insists that we “can’t have good things” because we aren’t good or experienced at this thing so we should just quit.)

We do this, because change is scary. To the ego, change is death. Your current self has no interest in meeting the Self that you really want to become, for this reason.

But your future Self will continue to throw challenges at you because it needs you.

It also tantalizes you by waking you at 2 AM with dreams of the life you yearn to live. I know, I get them too.

Haunts you with ghosts whose faces you see on the news, in the leaderboards, all of them mouthing at you “this could be you.” I know, I hear them too.

All of this issues from the Self that lives on the other side of that hill you’re running up on, but you won’t make it to see them as you are now.

From now on…

Agree to the fight. Challenges will come: take them on. You’ll be reminded of shortcomings and blind spots: learn from them and adjust for them. Tough conversations will be asked of you: accept them with open ears, mind and heart.

You’ll know them because your instinct will always be to run from them. Do. Not. Run.

How does coal become a diamond? Lots of heat, friction, and time. Love the process. Speaking of diamonds…

Agree to the vision. If you have a dream worth living for, get clear about what it is. Sharpen it to photographic clarity, not just a loose sketch. The map to getting there may not be straight-forward. Don’t be surprised if your vision changes, or gets clearer as you get closer.

But also:

Agree to the surrender. This is the part that may in fact feel like death, because even a fight makes us feel like we’re alive – we’re fighting for something. But what are we fighting, and what are we fighting for? Surrender is what we give to out of love, it’s what we allow to change us.

Agree to die… To your old life, your old self. You won’t meet your future Self as you are – you’ll need to disavow some old beliefs that will not serve you, if you want to get to that future you dream of.

Beliefs about your self, your abilities and potential. Beliefs about your world, about what is possible. Beliefs about time, purpose, life meaning.

This may be painful and scary, as these beliefs are what got you this far, right? But what if examining and changing them to a new frequency is all that’s holding you back from a huge leveling up?

Agree to the inevitability. Yes – make the changes you need to, agree to never give up, and this victory is yours. You WILL make those dreams yours someday, if you don’t run and don’t quit.

Think of it: if all you needed was to know that your efforts would be repaid in full and you would absolutely succeed, what wouldn’t you agree to?

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This feels like walking an existential treadmill. 10,000 steps a day! Leading to nothing.

You have to have a sense of what you’d like to achieve, what you want life to look like. More importantly, feel like. Where is all of this going, and what do you want to feel like when you get there?

Of course, wanting anything badly enough to fight for it is a brave thing. And be sure: there will always be some degree of a fight. Some of us spend a lot of time and energy convincing ourselves there’s nothing we want that badly. But then we’re right, and then we’re miserable.

If there was a life that, if I just aimed and worked toward it, there’d be no way I wouldn’t get there…if success were unavoidable…

What would I want that to look like? If life feels like a 6/10 today, what does my 11/10 look like?

I don’t want a life devoid of problems – I’m finding I actually enjoy putting my nose down and solving problems – but I do crave a life where I can face problems without a real fear that these problems could destroy me and what little I’ve accomplished. To live a life that allows me to dance with challenges with joy and wonder, rather than fear and dread.

I will be outside. A lot. Traveling, eating and drinking, socializing, all outside as much as possible. Which means I would start spending time in places that don’t hit 115 degrees in the summer.

While my roots are still here in AZ, this is likely where I’d remain, but when that changes, WHERE SHOULD I LIVE…?

I will regularly network and connect with people who were likewise happy, committed to their dreams, grounded in service to and love of something…people with that fire in their eyes.

I will make at least $200K a year (or more accurately, about $20k/month). I’m ok with part of it being a 9-to-5 (at least at first), if it’s stable and stress-free (I have this now). Ideally, I’d make the $200k+ from working for myself, from wherever I please, doing work for people who are just as wild about what I’m into and what I can offer them. WHAT KIND OF WORK DO I WANT…??

I will identify what healthy choices I can make AND STICK TO, regarding activity, diet, nutrition, etc. I would go back to having a personal trainer, maybe a dietitian.

My professional schedule will be flexible enough that I could sleep and wake when my natural clock felt like it. Being stuck to a 9-to-5 schedule has made me necessarily a morning person – I want to be able to explore what being up until 4 AM does for me. I’d also want to try not forcing myself to sleep 8 hours a night. A lot of well-known geniuses were known to divide their sleep into chunks throughout the day.

I will drive a slightly larger vehicle, something I could throw a dog, some camping equipment, or maybe just a few people into. I would drive smooth, easy and safe. Like I was rolling in a Cadillac. I would pay for it in cash, or lease it, because…

I will be devoutly debt-free.

My wardrobe would shrink down to a few daily uniforms, a couple nice dresses, some workout gear. All comfortable shoes.

I will hang out with people who are thoughtful, optimistic, driven, creative, introspective. People who are obsessed with something. Obsession is what powers us through problems and energizes us to solving them.

I will write a lot. Writing helps to refine my thoughts, clear my head. When I write, I feel movement, like gears are turning in the background, connections are being made in ways I may or may not be conscious of.

I will have a life purpose solidly in mind. That is where the real happiness comes from.

What would I be willing to give/pay for this life?

Not an easy question to answer, but truthfully this helps to shape what this perfect vision looks like. Because perfect does not mean without problems. Not if you’re a person who loves problem solving and helping others with similar challenges.

I don’t think I’ll ever have a steady partner again – I can’t even think of anything I’d want from one. In my 11/10 life, it seems likely a partner would be more of a hindrance than a joy. My satisfaction will come from being comfortable with my own company.

I would be okay with renting and leasing, as opposed to owning. This would feel like less security, but would also make me more light of foot – I could more easily pick up and travel or relocate if I wanted.

What are my problems?

I have a lot of debt I’m working to resolve, so any amount of money I make just leaves me feeling broke. The psychological effects are a whole other aspect – the paranoia, the sense that I’m losing money constantly. This is a problem I can solve.

I’m isolated. I don’t know a lot of people who qualify in the criteria I named above, let alone am I around them on the regular. I need to find them, figure out how to attract them in my life. This is a problem I can solve.

I currently live in a situation where people depend on me and my livelihood, in such a way that if I make bad choices, I might be able to roll with the punches but they would be in very bad straits. I don’t feel like I have the freedom to take risks because of this. This…is not a problem I’m currently able or willing to solve. Though in time this issue may resolve itself – everyone has their own paths too.

What excites me about this topic?

I love the realization I don’t know some of the things I want. These are clues to where I need to experiment and explore.

I love that this puts me in a headspace to dream, and to wonder, rather than stay stuck where I am.

This fuels me to not just daydream, but to act.

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If you’re also wondering what you want your life to look like, consider the following:

-          Some of your current frustrations about what you don’t want in your life could be excellent signs as to what you DO want. What are some of your biggest problems and gripes with life as you experience it now?

-          Understand that most of what we really want is to feel a certain way, and there may be an infinite number of paths that will help us get there. Think to some of your happiest memories: what did you love about them the most? How did they make you feel? What feelings would you want to bring forward into the life you are crafting for your future self?

-          What goals do you want to accomplish? Why do you want them? How near or far from them do you see yourself? Can you identify exact steps to get there, even a timeline? Or are these goals more ephemeral?

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(I’m a masochist that way, you might say.)

I’m 20 seconds into my third round of 45-second planks, and she waltzes in like “Oh my goodness, I’m SO glad you got a head start for me – oh you wouldn’t believe the traffic out there just now! How are you doing?”

22…23…24…shaking all over…25…26…27……..28……..oh my god…

“Ten more seconds! You’re doing great!”

“Aaaaand…we’re down!”

I fall to the mat with the grace of a broken piano, amazed I’ve survived another round of planks without actually dying (though every time I feel like I am).

Planks don’t seem to get easier, even though I’m doing 3 rounds of them 3 times a week. And I’m beginning to think: maybe there’s something to that.

The plank is accomplished by assuming the position like you’re about to start push-ups. Laying face down on a mat, push your whole body up. Hands under your shoulders, arms fully extended. Toes tucked under your feet.

Your body, from your heels to the top of your head, should be in a straight line (like, well, a plank of wood). One of the Sankrit names for this yoga position is phalakasana (“plank pose”, I kid you not).

My trainer has me do a modified form of this pose, which is simply holding the pose from my elbows, on my forearms instead of my hands. Trust me, it really isn’t any easier.

If this were a yoga class, she would tell me to concentrate on my breathing when it gets challenging.

Lately my favorite way through the plank is to sing the ABC song in my head, as long as my trainer is  handling the counting. This distracts me from how much time I have left on the timer and keeps me from counting faster.

You pop into plank pose, and you hold.

“A…B…C...D…”

And hold.

“E…F…G…”

And hold.

“M…N…oh…my…god…!...”

And hold.

You feel your body start to shake under the strain, and you hold. You’re reminded to continue breathing through this, so you take a breath. But then you feel your hips start to sink in the breath, so you regain proper form…and you hold…

You stay here until you die.

In my case, I stay here until my trainer releases me. I’m not convinced she’s always using the same timer, because sometimes that forty-five seconds really feels like ten minutes. But that’s okay.

I’ve never dropped a plank.

I’ve gotten to the point where the plank doesn’t hurt, but the recruited muscles can still shake a lot. And because of that shaking, they reach exhaustion. But they lean on supportive structures that are strengthening to the point that quitting is not as easy for them to do.

It’s definitely a great way to warm up quickly when my office gets too chilly.

This is your brain...on limits.

When you start holding the plank long enough, you run out of mental cheats to get you through it. The alphabet trick works (until you run out of letters) because it gets your mind off the counting, which just makes it painfully obvious that you’re nowhere near done holding yet.

But holding this pose, or any other isometric position, affords us an amazing opportunity. One that we don’t come by often: the chance to examine our relationship to discomfort.

As humans, we’re amazing at taking the most minor inconveniences and developing workarounds for them.

Hungry? Grab a snack. No need to prep a full meal or wait until it’s mealtime – just nab that hunger with a quick cheat.

Don’t feel like the stairs? Grab the elevator. Until your wings grow in, no need to wear your legs out and get sweaty – just let the elevator handle this.

Developed society affords us a lot of great technologies and tools. But we get dependent on them.

We hardly ever face that hunger and say, “I can wait an hour until lunch, I’ll just drink a bottle of water for now.” When the prospect of physical labor rises, we get machines to handle it for us.

We never run into discomfort gladly, and if we do, people look at us like we’re nuts.

So when unavoidably life hands us hard times that there are no work-arounds for, we get stuck.

When you get a headache and there’s no magic pill for it readily on hand. When you lose your job, and there’s no job waiting to catch you. When a loved one dies, you can never get them back.

We suffer so much because we never spend time learning about our pain, how it moves through us, whether we can find meaning in it.

We don’t willfully sit in discomfort long enough to realize that we won’t die of it, long enough to get stronger in it.

In fitness, we get the concept that if a muscle gets tired and feels achey the next day, we’ve earned physical strength. What if we allow it to enhance our mental resilience, maybe even build a positive relationship with our bodies, just by staying present while it shakes and aches?

This is one of the functions of asana yoga (the yoga of poses, or most yoga classes you’ll attend at a gym). Working the body, but mostly breathing into it, bringing awareness to yourself as a physical being. Exploring the fantastic technology of the human body, and how we sit in it.

Break the distraction

Next time you go to exercise, consider the following:

1.      How does your breath feel? Is it sometimes shaky and labored? Are you able to calm your breathing by drawing attention to it?

2.      Slug some water. Can you feel it wash down into your body, sending much needed hydration into your blood, bones, muscles and skin?

3.      When you hold a challenging position long enough (a plank, for example), pay attention to where exactly you’re feeling the discomfort. What exactly does it feel like – is it pain, or is it fatigue? A burn? A shake?

4.      Now release that position and relax. Do you feel your circulation shift as your muscles relax? Your breathing return to normal? What sensations do you experience?

5.      Now the fun part: watch where your mind goes during all of this. Do you find yourself concentrating on your body as it contracts and relaxes? Or are you watching the clock, reciting your alphabet, half-heartedly counting your reps just to get through a workout?

6.      What happens with your emotions as you exercise? Emotions during a workout can run all over the place – anywhere from self-doubt while aiming for a higher weight load or higher number of reps, to the crazy endorphin rush that hits during the best cardio sessions.

You may think to yourself, “Exercise is awful! None of this feels good, if I focus on the pain I’ll never push myself hard enough to get any results. What would I have to gain from focusing on my body while it’s screaming?”

Several benefits of staying with your body during exercise are:

1.      As discussed, better mental resilience. If you practice staying with pressure or discomfort as it arises during exercise, your mind is better able to cope with these sensations when they show up in daily life.

2.      Better mental focus and willpower. Deciding on a physical goal means committing to what it takes to get there – the nutrition, the exercise, all of it. And committing to a challenging movement (or position, such as the plank) means showing up for yourself and your goals, no matter what. When your muscles fatigue, when your body shakes, you persevere. You focus on your goals, and you stick with it. Especially when it gets hard.

3.      Emotional regulation. Similar to the above, as you practice mindfulness of thoughts and feelings during a workout, you’ll get better at facing and welcoming them when you’re not in a gym or on a mat.

4.      Increased pain tolerance. When we’re uncomfortable, we get better at being uncomfortable. We stand more steadily under its weight. And the body and mind learn to cope better.

5.      Increased mind-muscle connection. This is a whole topic in itself, but in short, concentrating on a muscle group while working it actually creates a safer, more efficient and more motivating workout. (Next time you do bicep curls, look at your actual biceps while you’re doing them. You might even take your other hand and touch them while they work. You’ll actually recruit more muscle and pull it with safer form than if you were just looking in a mirror.)

6.      Better bodily awareness. You never know how your core muscles are deeply tied into your everyday movements until you work them enough that they’re sore the next day. And then they’re activated all over the place, because we access them in so much of our movement. You also…feel…your body more. Your breath as you inhale…and exhale. Your muscles as they contract…and stretch. Not just doing exercise but in day-to-day awareness.

7.      The aftermath. You probably didn’t feel like working today, but you pushed through it, and you showed up for yourself. Whether it was yoga or reps on a machine - you worked hard for something, so the rewards are all yours. You earned this, you have a right to celebrate yourself.

In and Through the Body

When I sit in that plank, I have my good days and bad days.

On bad days, I’m shaking and sweating during the first plank (of 3 sets of them). I don’t feel strong, and I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this one, let alone the other 2 I have to do. I’m staring at the clock the whole time. The endorphins are hard-won.

I’m questioning my life goals on these days.

Nothing to do here but stay in place, and watch with curiosity.

As your body screams, your brain begs...what happens to your mind?

Train hard, and learn about yourself.

On the good days, I hit 45 seconds on the 3^rd round and I think “Huh, that was fast. This is going to be a great day!” I’m running to get the weights for my next exercise.

But I also have to dig deeper, work harder to feel like I’ve pushed myself adequately. Endorphins as pain-killers exist for a good reason. But they can make it harder to find our foundation in our bodies, so we know where we’re working from.

Up and down, during the day, and in between days. Like the sun, like our breath, like our lives even.

And I’ve allowed this to be part of an ongoing conversation with myself.

In the movie Fight Club, there’s a triggering but energizing conversation between the two (one?) main characters. The alter ego Tyler Durden holds Jack’s hand down and dumps a fistful of lye on it.

While Jack can’t physically get away from his pain, his mind goes to several different places in an attempt to dissociate from it.

In held positions like the plank, I allow for that conversation. Where I see myself drilling my alphabet in my head, but my other “self” reminds me to breathe, to correct my form. To be there with my body, even as it struggles.

Because I may get 3 shots at getting that plank done right every time I hit the mat…

But we only get one shot at this life, and one body to carry us through it.

Don’t check out on it.